Sittin’ in the park, waiting on you….. (at Tucker Road Park)
I haven’t had any communication with my wife for over a month. I feel that we just don’t have anything to talk about at this point. Since our last conversation, she stated that she will be moving on to Atlanta in a few years, and that yes we are getting divorced next month. I say moving on because she moved from New York to be here during our marriage. So imagine my surprise when I got a call from her last night. It was a very weird call. She basically just wanted to see how I was doing, but it didn’t feel like that to me.
As far as I know, believe and understand, we don’t have a relationship. Which seems strange to me because we have been married for eight years. I literally now don’t feel a connection to her and her life, although I must feel something because I’m writing this post.
So what was the purpose of her call? I figured it was just to get the latest gossip from me about my situation and life now that she no longer communicates with anyone in my family. She also wanted the latest news on certain members of my family and was surprised that they were actually doing good in life.
So I was just thinking while I was in the shower, to sum this bullshit up. How do you romantically get involved with someone and marry them knowing that they are fully in the grips of a chemical dependency (addiction). I believe that you would always have to know and tell yourself that if things get to rough or crazy, “I can always just leave when I’ve had enough or I’m just ready to move on”……………
I never fully understood what happened to her previous relationship with her fiancé before getting involved with me, it just didn’t make any sense. Seems like he was just moving too slowly with his divorce, which he eventually did get, moved on with his life and is still carrying a torch for her. She just seemed to lose interest.
Or she had just had enough…………
Had my third interview today. The job search is going well, I suppose. I have been unemployed for thirty eight days now and it’s getting very old. Of course, money is short, but it’s really not having some structure to my day that’s the hardest thing for me right now. I actually really do love my daily public transportation commute. Listening to my music, catching on my podcasts or reading. I just enjoy the time. I also like watching people, there are so many different kinds to see every day. I miss seeing my regular fellow commuters on my coming and goings. There has been some good in this time off from work, my unemployment. I’ve had time to get truly clean, and reflect on where I’m going from here. That’s been really great.
I actually may have a job very soon; I will have to pass a background check, something that’s pretty regular in this part of the universe. This is always a concern for me due to my dependency. My background has had some really colorful times and I haven’t always been as responsible as I should have been with my life. I’m hoping that it works out and I can get back to work this week using my skills to help people, that’s really what I’m about these days.
So, I actually had a poly moment this weekend, my special friend from New York came down for a one day visit. I hadn’t seen her since December I think, and she’s stuck by me through all my craziness. It was a great visit, just picked up where we left off. It’s really nice to spend time with someone that truly loves unconditionally. We just accept each other.
Today, I am unemployed, I live at home with my family, I am separated from the woman that I married, and we will most likely be divorced after September, our one year legal separation month.
That’s where I am right now.
I am also at peace, consciously awake, focused, driven, and taking the correct steps to live a life that’s right for me, a life that is productive and gives back to my family, and the planet all that I have been blessed with up to this point.
I can’t honestly say that I’m not afraid and depressed some mornings when I wake up and I’m still hunting for a new job, I’m just not built for lounging around every day, but I get myself up and back on this computer sending out resumes and returning calls because I know that this is part of my process.
Part of the plan to get me to exactly where I am supposed to be in this life.
I can’t honestly say that I’ve never been here at this point before, because I have been, I have put myself in this exact spot by not being completely honest with myself and facing my demons and begininning the work to do what it takes to make things right.
So, I get up every day with a smile on my face, hope in my heart, prepared for the next step. I know that I will get the call when and only when I am truly ready.
So my last real post to this space was on October 28, 2013. I mean the last real “honest” substantive post. A lot has happened in my life since that post, and one of the main reasons that I have accepted about why I haven’t posted or written anything in this space is that I have had to accept that I’m basically a liar, and mostly I lie to myself.
I don’t mean malicious and mean type of lies. I’m talking delusional, life destroying lies. I have never meant any harm to myself or another human on this earth, but I’ve done my fair share of damage, by simply not being honest with myself. That has to stop now, today or that’s it, I won’t be around much longer.
Let’s deal with first things first, I have lived my life with a chemical dependency that has wreaked havoc on me and all my relationships. Some may call it an addiction, but I’m not too comfortable with that model, so I’ll just say dependency. I have had some good times in my life, but other times have been terribly bad.
Ultimately this is the true reason that my wife left the marriage. It wasn’t the open lifestyle, the swinging, or the poly. We were actually happy with many of the people that we were getting to know. It was those times that I was out of control and not participating in the marriage as her husband.
@playboydummy on racial self identity
Follow him for more tweets
No hate, but I’ve never been to the continent of Africa and I don’t know of any family members from Africa. So, that’s the probably the difference. Just think about it a little bit……….
Fireworks DC 2014
A heritage of laughter….